Tyson Adams

Putting the 'ill' back in thriller

Actresses you don’t want in your book adaptation

I previously posted about some of the actors who were most likely to ruin a perfectly good book adaptation. The movie of a book is always going to be hard. You take an intricate plot, interesting characters, and throw them out to make room for 90 minutes of mindless violence and teen appeal: not an easy task. So, as to not be labelled a sexist by men pointing out that there are heaps of untalented female actors, I’m presenting the follow-up list of actresses whom you don’t want in a book adaptation.

Former models, singers or “celebrities”

Was she even a singer?

Yes this is a generic category rather than a specific actress, but we see it all of the time. Is it too much to ask for there to be more to an actress than looking good? Remember that this is a red-blooded male asking this question, if I’m complaining about these clothes horses in films it must be bad. Even worse is the Elvis road that singers want to take. To quote Eddie Murphy “Elvis was so good they put him in movies. Mother@#$%er couldn’t act.” Unfortunately the modern day singers aren’t Elvis and their acting is worse.

Jessica Alba

All acting sins forgiven!

There is a common marital clause, the freebie. Basically if you ever happen to be in the position to have sex with someone completely unobtainable, then it is okay. For me it is Jessica Alba, for my wife it is Ryan Reynolds. No offense to this hottie, but she has been acting since she was a child and yet she still manages to only bring her hottness to the screen.

Katie Holmes-Cruise-Xenu

Pre-midget.

I don’t know what’s worse, her acting or her choice in husbands.

Lindsay Lohan

Underwear not included.

Lindsay almost fits under the category of “celebrities” rather than actresses. I am struggling to name a film she has been in, let alone one that she acted in. On the plus side I’m struggling to name a film she has been in.

Jennifer Aniston

Hairstyle, no acting included.

Has she done anything other than Friends that was decent? Yes she was in the movie gem Office Space, but you could have replaced her with just about any other actress, she did so little with the role.

Katherine Heigl

At least she isn’t Helen Hunt.

There are two things you can count on with a Katherine Heigl romantic comedy: it won’t be funny and no one will have seen it. Heigl has the honor of staring in a $2 million film that only grossed $20 bucks, one of the biggest flops in film history.

Heather Graham

Her talents are showing.

Who needs talent when you’ve got big boobs and you’re willing to show them? Graham has made a career out displaying her, um, talents on screen. Wide eyed and bland, watching Graham on screen is like watching adorable paint dry.

Jennifer Love Hewitt

She sees dead people.

According to a study of ratings at Rotten Tomatoes, Jennifer is the worst actress of all time. Now this seems a bit hard to swallow given her successful TV career, but you can’t argue with science, even when arbitrarily applied with no proper standardisation of data. Also, at least Bill Murray apologised for making Garfield and has made some good films to make up for his appalling mistake.

Megan Fox

She’ll have diva with that.

Washed up at 24 is not exactly something you expect in Hollywood, well, not in the movies that include clothes at least. But when all you have going for you is your looks and you manage to annoy everyone you have worked with and then badmouth everyone, your career tends to be over.

Kristen Stewart

The one on the right.

A proud graduate of the Steven Segal School of Acting. She has one facial expression for every occasion. I know she was hired to be boring and insipid in Twilight, but that doesn’t mean you get to play Joan Jett that way too.

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5 thoughts on “Actresses you don’t want in your book adaptation

  1. Too funny! I agree with you on almost every one. Every one but Katherine Heigal. I like her! My husband can't stand Megan Fox and doesn't even get why everyone thought she was so hot.We were talking about our freebies once. My husband told me his choice – Shannon Elizabeth. He saw her on Celebrity Poker and thought she was naturally hot. I went to tell him who my freebie would be…and he cut me off because he said if I actually ran into George Cloony, there's no way George would turn me down. Meanwhile, Shannon Elizabeth (he thinks) would never give him the time of day.Therefore – no freebies. LOLSorry…your post made me think of that.Oh, and I can't stand Jennifer Love Hewitt. I loved Party of Five, but I never liked her or her characters.

  2. You're spot on with all these…these…I can't even make myself call them actresses.I had the intense (and expensive) misfortune of seeing Ms. Holmes live (dead?) on Broadway a couple of years ago. It takes some seriously absent chops to ruin "All My Sons."

  3. April I think if George would not turn you down it says that your husband has excellent taste. Clearly he needs to be more forgiving.Also the reason for Heigl isn't so much the acting as the ruining of films. If you are the reason for the RomCom you need to launch the film. If she doesn't have the talent to do that then her skills aren't as a leading lady.

  4. Anne I'm sorry to hear about your pain. Katie is one of those actresses you expect more from, like Alba, she has been in the business since her early teens.Another reason not to see plays: there is no editing to make sure it doesn't become painful to watch.

  5. Pingback: Book to movie « Tyson Adams

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