Tyson Adams

Putting the 'ill' back in thriller

Guide to becoming an omnivore

The internet is filled with guides on how to go vegetarian, and increasingly how to go vegan. Of course the reality of these diet changes is that at some stage vegans and vegetarians are going to have to come back to eating meat, as they discover they lack energy, are anemic and their B12 and calcium levels require them to eat real food.

In an effort to help my malnourished friends before their bones shatter, I thought I would put together this quick guide to becoming an omnivore.

It isn’t as easy as just starting to eat real food again. If it were that easy, vegans would be jumping back on a normal diet all the time. The problem is that the human digestive tract changes so that your body doesn’t starve without meat in the diet. As a result it stops making the digestive enzymes that help you digest meat. Changing back to a meat diet would then mean there is a shortfall in pancreatic secretions required to digest the meat in the short-term. The changed flora in the gut would also be affected. The “sick” feeling is just your body getting used to eating properly again.

Step 1:
Go to your local butcher and purchase meat.

Step 2:
Start off small. The longer you have been unhealthy the smaller the amount of meat you want to start eating to become healthy again. Remember, you are restarting your body, so you need to be consistent and gradual so that you can adapt.

Step 3:
Increase the portion of meat in the diet gradually until you are eating normally again. This will take time, as pointed out. The end goal is to avoid all the problems of not eating meat, so stick at it.

Step 4:
Make sure you are still eating your vegetables, they make a great side dish to meat.

Step 5:
Congratulations on becoming normal again. As an omnivore you are now able to keep up with the kids, won’t have the nutrient deficiencies, will be eating complete protein sources with a good balance of amino acids and will have lowered that osteoporosis risk.

FAQ:

How soon should I make the change to eating meat again?
ASAP.

Will I be healthier as an omnivore?
As long as you eat right (meat+vegetables+fruit+cereals = right) without going all Hurley on the food you will be much healthier.

But I heard meat gives you cancer?
And I heard Elvis is still alive. Most foods contain carcinogens, that’s why you are meant to eat a balanced diet and not get fat. All of the studies that claim you will die of cancer from eating meat are lying, as they forgot to mention you also have to be inactive, fat, not eating vegetables, smoking and drinking like a fish as well.

Will I be sexier eating meat?
There is nothing sexy about salad.

But won’t I be hurting animals?
No. Animals like sheep and cattle have been bred for thousands of years to enjoy being your food. They even try to eat as much garnish as possible to make themselves tastier.

But aren’t animals farting too much for the environment?
Animals fart and burp, that’s natural. Digging up coal, oil and gas to burn for energy is damaging the environment. Plus animals are cuter and friendlier than oil executives.

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7 thoughts on “Guide to becoming an omnivore

  1. Ha ha. I am convinced. Even though I am not a vegetarian.

  2. Harmless on said:

    Amazing how after 17 years as a vegetarian, with the past 11 years vegan, my health and energy levels are fantastic. My equally healthy and energetic husband hasn’t eaten meat for 39 years. I’ve had two wonderfully healthy normal vegan pregnancies and our boys are now 10 and 9 and have also been in fantastic health, with great energy levels, and are very intelligent. They’ve never eaten meat or seafood. Our health is so much better than most of our omnivorous relatives and friends.

    Call me a pesky vegan, compassionate, environmentally aware, intelligent, caring, animal rights activist, or whatever you like . I really don’t care about your defensive uneducated attacks …. I and many others like me have the evidence.

    The good news is that the evidence is mounting and it is becoming increasingly difficult for the meat industry to continue to come up with new spin to sell their product. This is clearly scaring the manure out of them 🙂

    • Hi Sharon,
      I’m glad that you feel this way, despite missing the point I was making.
      You are mistakenly anthropomorphising food and accusing others of being uneducated. You will see from the science that I referenced in my post that I am, in fact, correct in my claims. My concern is that vegans and animal liberationists are promoting their ideology rather than facts. My satirical post, with scientific references, is in direct response to this misinformation that perpetuates myths. The reality is that there are many issues surrounding veganism (lacto-ovo vegetarianism is perfectly healthy according to the research) that are ignored because the zealots want to pretend they are healthier because of their ideology.
      Also, the way you “feel” is not what I was referencing, I was referencing physiological reactions to veganism that lead to less energy and lower health. You may feel fine, but your body chemistry probably isn’t running as well as you think, as evidenced by the peer reviewed science on the subject.
      Essentially I’m trying to highlight that there is nothing wrong with being an omnivore, despite what the propaganda tries to say.
      Cheers, Tyson.

  3. Cloutier on said:

    Thank you for you engaging, informative material. I believe many of the views you have mentioned in your article are sound and unique. It’s obvious you are a talented writer.

  4. Jared on said:

    I really appreciated this article. As a lifelong pescatarian (ovo-lacto vege with fish) I regularly have people ask me why I don’t eat meat. The answer is quite simple. I don’t like it and it makes me sick. Your step 2 is surprisingly apt. It is like when someone first starts drinking alcohol they have very low tolerance for it and it takes time and exposure for he body to adapt. I can’t say that you have in any way convinced me to change my ways but I can certainly appreciate your perspective. I would like to add that any diet that is unbalanced is unhealthy regardless of its name. You still find obese vegetarians and vegans who overindulge on the unhealthy foods still acceptable within the bounds of their diet

    • Thanks Jared!
      Yeah, I linked to one of the studies on digestive enzyme changes that happens with dietary changes for that very reason. It takes time to get used to any change.
      I just had to satirise this topic because there seem to be a lot of people telling us their diet is best. My friend can’t eat red meat any more due to a health issue, I can’t eat soy or nuts due to allergies, I have a friend who claims to get sick from eating vegetables (I’m dubious on the claim). Clearly none of us can just apply dogma, we have to try and eat sensibly and get adequate nutrition. Being omnivores gives us a huge selection of foods to choose from.

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