Merry Season’s Holidays!

north_pole_cartoon

From me to you, have an enjoyable festive season.

See you in 2017!

Merry Whatever and Happy Celestial Orbit 2014

In honor of the Xmas season

There are so many religious, non-religious, familial and festive events on this month, leading into the switch over to the new calendar year of 2014. So I hope that whatever end of year, harvest festival, solstice or denominational event you are celebrating, that it is a joyous one.

I’ve had a great year, published a few short stories, I have a novel in submission, my son has gone from sleep, eat and cry to eat, play, sleep and cry, and you have all shared that with me here. I hope you have had a good year as well, or at least one that will make you look forward to 2014 as much as I am.

So, join me again next year, slightly older, slightly wiser, slightly hungover and ready for some fun.

Cheers, Tyson.

A Ten-Month-Old’s Letter To Santa

This is comedy gold that every parent will be able to relate to.

Dear Santa,

 I am a ten-month-old baby and I write because my mother has been sending out my “Christmas List” to people, and her list does not in any way represent the things I really want.  I could give two s#*ts about receiving stacking cups.

And I know you’re ready to make the joke about ten month-old babies and how all we want is the wrapping paper and the boxes.  Touché,Santa.  Touché.   We do, of course, want those things.  But I have a number of additional things I want very badly.

My list is enclosed below.  Have a lovely holiday.

-Ten Month-Old Baby

See the list here: A Ten-Month-Old’s Letter To Santa.

Merry whatever and a happy continuation of our celestial orbit

We are closing in on the end of the calendar year and on the annual spend fest that is the pagan tradition rebadged for consumerists Christians. I’ve enjoyed 2012 and I thank my readers here for stopping by and joining me throughout the year. Whatever your religion, culture or creed, I hope that you have a good holiday and festive season and I hope that 2013 actually arrives. If 2013 does arrive, I hope that you were able to get lots of good stuff off of the people who swore the world would end on the 21st of December, and that the new year brings you joy and happiness or at least a pay rise.
Happy Holidays

In honor of the Xmas season

Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk:
Cinnamon
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you’re drunk:
British Constitution
Loquacious Transubstantiate
Passive-aggressive Disorder
Specificity

Things that are downright IMPOSSIBLE to say when you’re drunk:
Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
Nope, no more alcohol for me.
Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.
You’re right, I can’t jump over that table.

Bah, humbug

It is the season to be jolly, apparently. The jolliest people are, of course, retailers, who are doing their impersonations of Scrooge McDuck swimming. The rest of us are just happy to have some time off work and an excuse to eat until our arteries congeal and drink until the tile floor looks comfy.

Don’t get me wrong, Xmas is a lovely time of year, but I have some issues with it.

1) It’s Xmas not Christmas.
This celebration stopped being about Christ’s birthday when shops started advertising how many shopping days there were left before Xmas. I’m glad we have the holiday but lets stop pretending it is a religious holiday. To the 16% of Australian’s (check your country stats here) who actually attend church, feel free to ignore this point. And yes I’m aware of the irony here.

2) Xmas cards.
I understand the idea of sending correspondence to family and friends and given the “holiday season” it only seems logical to catch up with people. But I’m under 40, so I have Facebook, Twitter, Email, Linkedin, mobile phones, and know how to use them. Sending cards feels like people the world over are taking a vow of technophobia in order to contract hand cramps and level a rain forest.

3) Xmas lights.
I think the goal of Xmas lights, if I am understanding them correctly, is blind people in the space station orbiting Earth. In the day and age of climate change, when we really should be cutting down on energy usage, we decide to set up a whole lot of lights to blind people. It has become a competition between neighbours and streets to see who can have the most gaudy display of flashing eyesores. The winner is usually the person or street who wake up to the electricity bill in January realising they need a second job and to sell a kidney.

4) Caroling.
Why is it that people only remember for the other eleven months of the year that they can’t sing?
Which also brings me to:

5) Xmas songs.
I’m not talking about the traditional carols here, I’m talking about the saccharine odes to love and presents that bombard the airwaves from every pop singer/group the world has to offer. These “artists” were barely tolerable in small doses as it was, but the competition to have the highest selling drink coaster means you can’t even go near a TV or radio for fear of diabetes and the desire to hug a puppy.

6) The celebrity biography.
Speaking of stocking stuffers, every Xmas there must be more celebrity biographies bought for Dads the world over than any other time of year. In fact, it is safe to say that the book reading statistics are built on this Xmas tradition of buying a book no-one wants to read for people who don’t read in the first place. Is it really a surprise that so few people read when the only book they start each year is about the mundane life of somebody with decent hand-eye coordination or a backstabbing politician proposing to tell all, but really just relating the party political line of events. I’d prefer the socks.

With that said, Merry Xmas everyone!

Dear Buddha, please bring me a pony and a plastic rocket.