Tyson Adams

Putting the 'ill' back in thriller

Archive for the tag “Kids”

Things they don’t tell you about getting married

funny-wedding-photo-ideas-game

1) Mentioning the word ‘wedding’ in a store, restaurant or venue immediately adds 30% to the price.
Don’t believe me? Go into a coffee shop and say you’re getting married when you order a drink – doesn’t even have to be for your wedding – and watch the price rise.

2) Getting married is an excuse for your friends and family to change their topic of conversation.
Before you had a partner the topic of conversation was about who you were dating. Once you have a partner the conversation becomes about when you are getting married. Once you’re married the conversation can finally change to when are you having kids. Once you have a kid the conversation is all about when you are having the next one. I’m assuming that some time after this the conversation switches to what heart medication you’re taking now.

3) Everyone wants to make a big deal about you getting married.
Anyone would think that you only do this two or three times in your life or something.

4) The bride is expected to be bride-zilla, destroyer of kittens and venue staff. The groom is expected to show up. Preferably in a suit.
I’m not sure how this works at LGBT weddings (oh wait, we’re still backward hicks), but having the subjugation of half of the partnership by everyone around you is not exactly the best way to encourage a balanced relationship. Although, I hear that the 1950s were cool in other ways.

5) You will be expected to invite everyone you’ve ever met.
This is despite the fact that you can’t remember half of their names, let alone addresses. Nor the fact that you didn’t particularly want to invite your creepy uncle who will no doubt get drunk and try to feel up your new wife.

6) You will pay for a lot of alcohol you don’t get to drink.
Being the centre of attention means that you will barely have a chance to take a sip of your drink all night, whilst everyone else will be queuing up to throw-up as to make room for more free booze. This doesn’t apply to the bride, who has a shiny white dress that says, “Give me a drink.”

7) Your hens and bucks nights have to involve strippers.
Something to do with the stabilisation of the economy. Remember to tip well.

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Kids these days

wifiWifi

Okay, just to be serious for a moment: Do you see a difference between these two cartoons?

Some of you may have seen the awesomeness displayed on The Oatmeal in response to people stealing his cartoons and taking his authorship off of the picture. Well, here is another example. The second cartoon was the one I was going to post, but I realised that it didn’t have the creator’s signature on it and it would be good to make sure that they were able to be tracked down. Ideally I’d link to the original, but that isn’t always possible, especially when someone has decided to edit out the part that would help us all identify the author. It is clear that the author isn’t even asking for money, the cartoon is freely published on the web, yet someone has decided to remove the content creator as though they aren’t important.

Free content is great, so many people with great ideas are creating stuff to entertain others just because they enjoy it. I’m going to try and make sure the authors (content creators) are acknowledged when possible, I hope everyone else does too.

Answering the phone and door

atheist evanglizing door knocking

Have you found Jesus?
First of all, I didn’t know he was missing. So I did a bit of checking, turns out Jesus is the reining world hide and seek champion, 33AD to present. Given how many people are now out door-knocking, trying to find him, it must be only a matter of days before Jesus will be found and people will stop knocking on our doors.

Are you happy with your telecommunications provider?
It seems odd that none of the telecommunications providers offer a service that stops you being bothered by marketers trying to get you to switch providers.

Would you like to donate to a good cause?
I love donating to good causes. Sadly I’m often lacking in cash on hand and none of the donation collectors seem willing to accept sperm bank cheques.

Our ball went into your backyard….
As long as there has been neighbours there have been kids deciding their backyard is too small for the games they play. Thankfully children are very useful for household chores  like hand weeding my backyard in order to find the lost ball that may, or may not, have found its way inside with the dog.

We’re from the Church of Latter Day Saints, could we come in to speak to you?
Religious people are interesting, going out and visiting everyone and wanting to have a chat about their religion. How do they coordinate their visits so that all the religious people aren’t all out door-knocking so no-one is home to talk about religion with them? I wonder how many Mormons (or others) have been invited in so they can help with the filming of the low budget home movies that are popular on the internet.

I’m campaigning for the local member of parliament.
You really have to wonder how these people manage to avoid the bear traps I set in our front yard. Thankfully our dog enjoys chasing down fair game.

We’re going door to door to see if anyone saw or heard anything?
Do the police actually get much useful information out of this? Won’t most people who heard or saw something be out at the crime scene taking pictures on their phone? Sometimes it is very tempting to reply with, “No, I was too busy going all Dexter on my neighbour. “

We need to read your meter.
Why?
So we can bill you the correct amount.
Wouldn’t it better if I don’t let you read my meter and have you not charge me?

Parenting test: 14 steps to follow before you have children

Being a new dad is great, but you really do have to be prepared for the life changing nature of parenting. Take the test to see if you are ready.

Test 1: Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After nine months, remove 5 per cent of the beans.
Men: To prepare for children
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2: Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it; this will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3: Nights

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
*Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4: Dressing small children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hangout.
*Time Allowed: 5 minutes

Test 5: Cars

1. Forget the BMW; buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6: Going for a walk

1. Wait.
2. Go out the front door.
3. Come back in again.
4. Go out.
5. Come back in again.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least six questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
*You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7: Conversations with children

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8: Grocery shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschool child – a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
*Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9: Feeding a 1-year-old

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10: Entertainment

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11: Mess

Can you stand the mess children make?
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5.
5. Drag random items from one room to another room and leave them there.

Test 12: Long trips with toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting ‘Mummy’ repeatedly. Important notes: no more than a 4-second delay between each ‘Mummy’. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
*You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13: Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the ‘Mummy tape’ listed above.
*You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14: Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put one cup of lemon juice in it.
4. Stir.
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt.
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel.
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work.

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!

Original article published at Essential Baby, October 18, 2012.

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