12 Extremely Disappointing Facts For Geeks

Stolen from BuzzFeed.

1. The Twilight series has sold more than the Wheel of Time series, the Dark Tower series, the Song of Fire and Ice series, and the His Dark Materials series COMBINED.

TA: Not to mention how crappy the Twilight films were.

The Twilight series has sold more than the Wheel of Time series, the Dark Tower series, the Song of Fire and Ice series, and the His Dark Materials series COMBINED.

2. Star Wars: Episode I has made more money than Star Wars: Episode IV.

TA: Lucas can’t direct or write, just comes up with good ideas. The first series was saved by Harrison Ford.

Star Wars: Episode I has made more money than Star Wars: Episode IV .

3. Firefly lasted one season, and had terrible ratings. The Big Bang Theory is in its sixth season, and has incredible ratings.

TA: Firefly and Serenity are the best. Period. I can’t watch TBBT as it is just one great big stereotype. Although, Mayim Bialik, who plays Sheldon’s girlfriend, is actually a real life neuroscientist with a proper PhD.

Firefly lasted one season, and had terrible ratings. The Big Bang Theory is in its sixth season, and has incredible ratings.

4. The Matrix is the worst-performing film of the trilogy.

TA: The sequels should have been great, but someone took the brain dead approach to screenplays.

The Matrix is the worst-performing film of the trilogy.

5. The Resident Evil movies have made far, far more money than the Resident Evil video games.

TA: One reason – Milla Jovovich.

The Resident Evil movies have made far, far more money than the Resident Evil video games.

Image by http://vgsales.wikia.com/wiki/Resident_Evil http://www.the-numbers.com/movies/series/ResidentEvil.php

6. The original Indiana Jones movies did worse in their combined opening weekends than Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

TA: Biggest shark jump in history.

The original Indiana Jones movies did worse in their combined opening weekends than Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull .

7. The movie Doom made more than the video gameThe Ultimate Doom in the U.S.

TA: I played a lot of Doom as a teen. I loved FPS. The movie, meh.

The movie Doom made more than the video game The Ultimate Doom in the U.S.

8. The 2001 Planet of the Apes starring Marky Mark made far more than all the original films combined.

TA: I didn’t like any of the films.

The 2001 Planet of the Apes starring Marky Mark made far more than all the original films combined.

9. Transformers: Dark of the Moon is the sixth highest-grossing film of all time.

TA: Fuck Michael Bay and Fuck Shia LeBeouf.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon is the sixth highest-grossing film of all time.

10. 2006’s Superman Returns is the best-performing Superman film.

TA: All the Superman movies have been kinda meh.

2006's Superman Returns is the best-performing Superman film.

11. Super Mario 3 is the third most popular video game of all time. Nintendogs is second.

 TA: showing my age here, but the only Super Mario games I ever really played were Donkey Kong and Super Mario Land (Gameboy). 

Super Mario 3 is the third most popular video game of all time. Nintendogs is second.

12. M. Night Shyamalan’s films have made more money than Joss Whedon’s films.

TA: Joss could direct a movie of Summer Glau and Nathan Fillion making toast and it would be fantastic.

M. Night Shyamalan's films have made more money than Joss Whedon's films.

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Book to movie

If there is any one thing that Hollywood does well, it is taking terrific books and turning them into terrible movies. When was the last time someone said “Well the movie was better than the book”?

I’ve opined on this issue before: Tom Cruise as Jack Reacher; why movie studios bother with buying a book when they make a movie that doesn’t resemble the book in any way.

And here it is happening again:

Any movie starring Katherine Heigl is always doomed. She ranked in my article on actresses you don’t want in you book adaptation. Clearly Janet Evanovich signed the movie rights before she read my article. So you have to ask what is happening in Hollywood, aside from the hookers and blow?

Clearly the first thing that is happening is the movie rights. Author agents are clearly trying to make some money for their authors so that the author can give up the day job and write more. Sorry, that should read, they want a commission. The movie studio hands over some spare change they have lying around and grab the book. Then they ask a script writer to give them a script, usually in the same amount of time it would take the script writer to actually read the book. So the script writer hands over a script they already have lying around, after changing a few of the character names to match. The studio then launders finds some money from “business associates” to start casting and shooting. The casting agent looks at the budget and sorts through the least desperate actors in the appropriate pay scale, to find the person who least embodies the main characters.

By the time the movie hits cinemas there have only been two people in the entire process who realise the movie is based upon a book, one of whom may have read it. This, of course, doesn’t really matter because the ten people who have read the book that go to see the movie are sitting in a packed cinema with people who don’t read and are generally confused by plots that can’t be explained in a one-to-two sentence monologue from a minor character.

Clearly Hollywood knows what it is doing, I mean, they cast Tom Cruise as Lestat. And authors love getting money from Hollywood, they can actually afford to pay the rent that month. So maybe it is time writers started writing for Hollywood. Oh wait, they already do that….

Magazines and Newsletters that never took off

Our local bookstore is actually the newsagent, so you have to walk past the magazines to find the book (yes, not pluralized). I can’t figure out why some of these magazines never took off with readers.

Particle Physics for the Left-Handed Extrovert

A big field, from what I hear.

American Jihardist Today

The contacts and personal pages must get a lot of attention.

Better than your Neighbour’s Home and Gardens

I believe this has been renamed to Better Homes and Gardens.

TV Shows You Missed

Nothing like hearing about the stuff you missed while you were busying doing something important.

At the Movies with Ben Stiller & Adam Sandler

Why are they still allowed to make movies!?

Outdoor Activities for Agoraphobics

The equestrian edition would be very interesting.

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