October 2013 – Tyson Adams

Rules of thriller writing

1) If in doubt kill a character.

2) Plot holes can be filled with dead bodies.

3) Nothing screams thriller more than characters screaming for their lives.

4) Car chases and shootouts are mandatory.

5) The hero can’t die, unless you really, really want them to.

6) The bad-guy must die horribly, unless you want them for the sequel. Even then, the sequel could be a zombie thriller.

7) Beloved minor characters must die the most gruesome and pointless of deaths.

8) Minor bad-guys must follow the inverse ninja law.

9) The only reason a gun should ever run out of bullets is if it puts the hero in even more danger.

10) The rules of physics and biology do not apply to the hero, unless it puts them in even more danger.

11) Deus ex machina can only be used once in the story, so use it wisely.

12) If your story hasn’t given your readers a heart attack, rewrite it so that it does.

Fun Articles, Humor, Reading

It’s quite interesting to see how the premise for any book, movie or TV show is endemic. The above example of Breaking Bad is a classic, and especially funny given the current furore over affordable health care in the USA. But there are plenty of others.

Sherlock Holmes is a classic example. Imagine a drug addicted, genius, arsehole detective in the modern age where drugs are illegal. Yep: Sherlock and the Hounds of B-Block. Also, before anyone says House, think about how long House would have spent in malpractice suits.

Robinson Crusoe would be pretty difficult to see happening in this day and age. Sure, Tom Hanks tried to convince us that modern people could be lost on an island and survive by their wits and a bunch of FedEx packages. But with modern tracking methods, mapping and the fact that no-one travels by boat now-a-days, Robinson Crusoe would be Bear Grylls or Survivor.

Huckleberry Finn is the tale of a young boy running away with his adult slave. That just wouldn’t happen these days. Now it isn’t that slaves don’t exist anymore (they do), nor the idea of run-aways. A young boy going missing in the USA with a grown man, sounds like an episode of Without a Trace.

The test of a premise really is to see if it would work anywhere else, any-time else. If it doesn’t work anywhere or any-when else, then it is interesting. If it can be transposed, how interesting was the premise to begin with?

Fun Articles, Humor, Writing

Inspiration

At one of the places I worked there used to be motivational posters on the wall. I know that most of the quotes and pictures are meant to inspire but I’d really question who gets inspired by a pretty picture with a cheap phrase underneath. If that is the sort of stuff that inspires you then you really have to question how long your job will be around before a robot takes your place. Inspiration can come from many places and I’m sure that somewhere, someone, might have been inspired by a pithy quote or cool picture. They may have even created an ad campaign to sell toilet paper so that people can wipe their backsides with the glee of the pithy quote.

I think that inspiration is actually more like a playful kitten stalking a fly. The fly is just sitting around, minding its own fly-y business, taking a break between eating garbage and flying up people’s noses. The kitten is creeping up on the fly, thinking it is a lion about to pounce on an unsuspecting prey, that the kitten can’t be seen, despite the vigorous tail twitching in the air. As the kitten pounces, the fly, calmly, buzzes off to see if it can annoy someone, the kitten comes crashing down, bringing the urn with your dad’s ashes in it, smashing onto the floor. On the rare occasion that the kitten catches the fly and doesn’t destroy valuable items around the house, that is inspiration. The one off moment when your brain comes up with the most amazing idea that has ever occurred. An idea that will reshape humanity. An idea that will see you showered in champagne, chocolate and high priced hookers.

An idea that will have to wait until morning, because you were just about to fall asleep.

Get it write!

Fun Articles, Humor, Writing

Rejection letter bingo

Just a little something for all my fellow authors.

Fun Articles, Mythtaken, Science

Mythtaken: Shark attacks

A while back I wrote a post on how sharks aren’t the deadly monsters attacking people all the time that we think they are. Now I’m not suggesting that we all go and hug sharks, they only like to be touched by cleaning fish, nor that we jump in to swim with them, they play tag far too roughly for delicate humans. What I’m suggesting is that we really need to start worrying about stuff that is actually a concern rather than stuff that is just wild gesticulations in front of a camera for ratings.

So here is a list of things that kill more people than sharks annually:

Picture from: http://themetapicture.com/things-that-kill-more-people-than-sharks/

Fun Articles, Science, Sciency

Welcome to Science – from Zen Pencils

I was having a conversation last night with someone who was questioning why science? Doesn’t it get in the way of creativity? I’ve never seen it that way, I think Heinlein, Assimov and the like would agree with me. Zen Pencils did the comic below which encapsulates why science very nicely.

Humor, Reading

Reading Interruptions

Of course, the question is: does this constitute a capital offence, punishable by the death penalty?

Fun Articles, Humor

Things they don’t tell you about getting married

1) Mentioning the word ‘wedding’ in a store, restaurant or venue immediately adds 30% to the price.
Don’t believe me? Go into a coffee shop and say you’re getting married when you order a drink – doesn’t even have to be for your wedding – and watch the price rise.

2) Getting married is an excuse for your friends and family to change their topic of conversation.
Before you had a partner the topic of conversation was about who you were dating. Once you have a partner the conversation becomes about when you are getting married. Once you’re married the conversation can finally change to when are you having kids. Once you have a kid the conversation is all about when you are having the next one. I’m assuming that some time after this the conversation switches to what heart medication you’re taking now.

3) Everyone wants to make a big deal about you getting married.
Anyone would think that you only do this two or three times in your life or something.

4) The bride is expected to be bride-zilla, destroyer of kittens and venue staff. The groom is expected to show up. Preferably in a suit.
I’m not sure how this works at LGBT weddings (oh wait, we’re still backward hicks), but having the subjugation of half of the partnership by everyone around you is not exactly the best way to encourage a balanced relationship. Although, I hear that the 1950s were cool in other ways.

5) You will be expected to invite everyone you’ve ever met.
This is despite the fact that you can’t remember half of their names, let alone addresses. Nor the fact that you didn’t particularly want to invite your creepy uncle who will no doubt get drunk and try to feel up your new wife.

6) You will pay for a lot of alcohol you don’t get to drink.
Being the centre of attention means that you will barely have a chance to take a sip of your drink all night, whilst everyone else will be queuing up to throw-up as to make room for more free booze. This doesn’t apply to the bride, who has a shiny white dress that says, “Give me a drink.”

7) Your hens and bucks nights have to involve strippers.
Something to do with the stabilisation of the economy. Remember to tip well.