Update – Alan Marshall Short Story Award

Hi Friends,

I received a letter today – I know, people are actually still sending those things, I almost expect to see a carrier pigeon doing air mail next – that notified entrants about the Alan Marshall Short Story Award winners.

Now according to the blog stats my short story, Pleased To Meet You, ranks in the top 10 of my posts. According to the feedback I’ve received it didn’t suck, most readers even enjoyed it, one person even went as far as to say I had talent. So how did my story compare to the other 70+ short stories?

Well, as I expected, Pleased To Meet You didn’t win. That honour went to Laura Jean McKay for Massage 8000, a story about a group of women in a Cambodian brothel.

So congratulations to Laura, thanks to the judge Fiona Capp, and thanks to the Alan Marshall Award committee.

Currently I’m working on a short story for the new publication, Noir Nation. Hopefully I’ll meet the deadline, give it a hug and wish it well, as I scoot past on the tide of my day job.

Cheers, Tyson.

New Word of the Day – Werbiage

Werbiage


Werbiage is a portmanteau of Word, Garbage and Verbiage.

Thus the meaning of werbiage is that a statement or document (etc) has an overabundance of meaningless words that are either rubbish or useless.


I made this word up today during a meeting with managers and is from the Middle French verbi (to gabble) and the Middle English garbelage (discarding butchered bowels).

Why E-books Will Win

A few books from our favourite book store – Busselton Books.

I love books. I’m not one of those e-book fans that has denied his love of old fashioned books – I recently sat down to read a good scroll. But lets face it, we live in an electronic age.

Just because we have great new toys technologies doesn’t mean we should be burning books like its 1933. There has to be a point, an advantage, in changing from paper to electronic books. Quite simply, this picture explains why.

NB: Picture explains nothing.

This is the photo of my latest book acquisition and my cute little dog-pie, Fox. I have pre-ordered 3 books in the last month, in order to receive them as they are released here in Australia. Matt’s Dead Men’s Harvest arrived in the post recently, several weeks after release, Fox was very possessive and wants to read it first. The approximate delivery dates for Matthew Reilly’s Scarecrow and the Army of Thieves and Lee Child’s The Affair are at least a week after their release.

Simply, I have to wait for my paper. I have to sit out in the pouring rain, waiting for the mail-non-gender-specific-person to bring my books. My imitation vampire skin (non-sparkly) will be burnt by our harsh Aussie sun waiting. I don’t want to wait, I want my books now.

I live on the corner of Middle and Nowhere, so my online book stores are actually closer than my physical stores. But still I wait. Given how popular book stores are at the moment with receivership’s I’m sure many of you will also be losing your physical stores too. You too will wait.

E-books just won.

E-reader screens: better than a paperback.

Have you ever wanted to know more about your e-reader? This is an interview with the vice president of E Ink, Sriram Peruvemba. E Ink is the company that makes the displays for all the leading e-book readers worldwide.
I found this interview on e-reader displays very interesting. Did you know that:
  • E ink Pearl display panels are only 200 microns thick.
  • The newer Triton displays are half as thick as the Pearl displays.
  • E ink expects to sell between 25 and 30 million e-reader displays this year.
    • That’s up 10 million from last year and 3 million the year before that.
  • Current displays are 167 dpi and they are hoping to increase that to 300 dpi soon.
  • Current displays actually have better contrast than a paperback book!
    • Older displays were only better than newspaper.

In case you didn’t know, E Ink also makes screens for a bunch of other things besides e-readers. They have E Ink watches, advertising signs, secondary displays on cellphones, USB sticks, and they are even moving onto credit cards. Essentially anything up to a kilometre long, they can make it!

Better than paperback contrast! Imagine the future of these displays.

Actors you don’t want in your book adaptation

In a previous post I raised the fact that Tom Cruise would be bringing Jack Reacher to the big screen. Now fans of the Lee Child books will be familiar with the 6’5″ Jack Reacher and the general differences he has from Tom Cruise, the most noticeable being that Reacher isn’t crazy. Of course Lee Child isn’t particularly worried because “the movie isn’t for the fans of the book, it is for movie goers.”

This all got me to thinking, I could really do with a nap. When I woke up I was thinking, “which actors would I hate to see playing the lead role in a book adaptation?” I present my list, do you have any others?

11) Nicolas Cage
Vampire's Kiss

Cage wasn’t always a horrible actor, he has an Oscar to prove it. But after he started buying castles and octopuses, his work got weirder and weirder, just watch The Wicker Man. He seems determined do his unique combination of drug-fueled mania and totally inappropriate character choices in most every movie.
Update: Conan O’Brian has got in on the joke.

10) David Caruso
David Caruso

David Caruso will be forever remembered as Lt. Horatio Caine on CSI: Miami. It isn’t because of his superb acting, no, rather it is his stunning array of bizarre tics and horrible one-liners he crams into 42 minutes of television every week. Caine is just pure corniness, and Caruso’s just getting worse. Whether he’s doing it on purpose or he’s just given up, this is some spectacularly horrible acting.

9) Jean-Claude Van Damme

Jean-Claude-Van-Damme
I have seen Van Damme act just the once, playing himself, in JCVD. The rest of the time he is in films because he can kick high and do the splits. In fairness most of his movie roles have only required him to kick high and do the splits, but bringing a book to life takes a bit more than that. In JCVD’s favour is the fact that he doesn’t take himself too seriously, having had guest star roles taking the piss out of himself on various TV shows.

8) Hugh Grant

Hughgrantrex 228X334
We have a TV channel in Australia called SBS. They show movies from around the world, rather than just Hollywood. They have a great advert that sums up Hugh Grant. They show the same bumbling, um er, insipid, um er, acting he does in every, um er, that is to say, role. I am simply baffled by his popularity. He is a weak, dull, uninteresting man.

7) Ben Affleck

293.Affleck.Ben.041107
Lets face it, any book adaptation that stars Ben Affleck will be fraught with budgetary over-runs due to acting class costs, hair product and dead hooker disposal. 

6) Steven Seagal

Steven 3
He’s played one role – the wise, astute, noble, ass kicker, who only resorts to violence when necessary – for his entire career (except in Machete). He also founded the Steven Segal School of Acting, which prides itself on producing one facial expression for every occasion. As Sean Connery will attest, you shouldn’t try to piss Steven off by suggesting he learn to act.

5) Orlando Bloom

Orlando-Bloom-Photo-Orlando-Bloom-2-05052007
Orlando “one look” Bloom has managed to make a career out of the same facial expression. “Orcs are killing everyone” is the same as his “I’m in love with you Elizabeth Swan” look. He and Kirsten Stewart clearly went to the Steven Segal School of Acting. The only reason he brings characters to life is that he has a heartbeat and can walk, as proven by his work on the LOTR book adaptations.

Update: Orlando Bloom has apparently had the same look since he was a child.

4) Paul Walker

250460~Paul-Walker-Posters
I actually like Paul Walker, he comes across as a friendly, cool guy. Pity that is all he brings to a role. He does have the ability to do many things that Orlando Bloom can’t, but it is still hard to take him seriously in anything dramatic. Maybe it would be cool to hire him for the book adaptation just to hang out with him, but that’s the stalker in me talking.

3) Hayden Christensen

Haydenchristensen
He ruined Star Wars with JarJar Binks, enough said. 

2) Tom Cruise

0,1020,463652,00
I’ve mentioned before that Tom Cruise has a habit of shouting instead of acting. I’ve also mentioned before that Tom has appeared in a number of good films, but he wasn’t the reason they were good. I’ve also mentioned that Tom will be doing his best to ruin Jack Reacher for Lee Child fans. Short nut-case closed.

1) Keanu Reeves

Keanu Reeves1Alt 300 400
Is this really a surprise? Did anyone watch The Day The Earth Stood Still and not think a block of wood could have contributed a better acting performance? Actually, aside from Bill & Ted, do you think there is any role he has ever had that couldn’t be improved upon by replacing Keanu with a block of wood? It was a tough decision picking the right photo for this one – on the one hand I had a photo of paint drying, and on the other hand I had a photo of Keanu. While the paint photo was a lot more interesting, I thought I ought to go with this one.

Sum werdz too wotch owte four

There is nothing better than picking up a book, newspaper, or turning to a blog post, that is full of typos, spelling errors and grammatical mistakes. If you need hours of entertainment I highly recommend playing “Spot the Error”.

Now I can’t claim to be an expert in all things writing, so instead I have found this great article from Mike at the Book Making blog to help. 

Accommodate has a double “c” AND a double “m.” 

A lot is two words, not one. 

Argument does not have an “e” like “argue.” 

Awhile or A while can both be legitimate. The noun is spelled as two words: “I napped for a while.” The adverb is spelled as a single word: “I napped awhile.” 

Believe follows the old “i-before-e except after c” rule. However, foreign, forfeit, sovereign, surfeit, caffeine, casein, codeine, either, geisha, inveigle, keister, leisure, neither, protein, seize, sheik, and Sheila do not. 

Bellwether has nothing to do with the weather. A “wether” is a castrated sheep or goat that wears a bell and leads a herd. The lack of cojones made it less likely that the leader of the pack would stray. 

Cannot v. can not: “Cannot” is a word, one word. Some word mavens insist that it is not supposed to be split into two words. This is weird, because “can” and “not” are legitimate words. I won’t be pissed off if you can not go along with “cannot.” 

Carburetor has just one “a,” like “car.” 

Cemetery does not end in “ary” or begin with “s.” 

Changeable, unlike argument, retains its “e” so you know the “g” is soft, pronounced like “j.” 

Collectible is not “able.” No rule applies here, just memory. 

Coolly has a double “l” when it’s not a noun. When it is a noun, it’s spelled “coolie.” 

Criteria v. criterion: Confusing these two nouns is a common error, even among highly educated people. “Criteria” is the plural of “criterion,” but many people aren’t even aware of the word “criterion.” If you’re discussing various requirements that must be met, use “criteria” but if you are writing about one major requirement to be met, use “criterion.” (During Sheila’s many years as a technical writer, one of her colleagues — an English major who graduated from a top college — was working on a software users’ manual that dealt with various criteria. But, when this writer referred to one criterion, she continued to use “criteria.” How did she graduate, especially as an English major?) 

Deceive does obey the “i before e except after c” rule. So does receive, but not frequencies or science or species. 

Drunkenness should have a double “n” when spelled by so­ber people. 

Dumbbell has a double “b,” you dummy (not “dumby”). 

Embarrass (ment) has a double “r” and a double “s.” 

Epic is a big important book, poem, or movie. Epoch is an im­portant era. You can write an epic about an epoch. 

Exceed does not end with “cede.” Nothing exceeds like excess. 

Existence does not have an “a.” 

Flier is someone who flies (not “flys”). It’s also a leaflet, or a golf ball that goes too far. Airlines frequently say “frequent flyer.” They’re frequently wrong. 

Flyer can be part of a proper name for transportation (“Radio Flyer,” “Flexible Flyer,” “Rocky Mount­ain Flyer”) or a sports team (“Philadelphia Fly­ers” and “Dayton Flyers”), or even sneak­­ers (“PF Flyers”). 

Gauge is a verb or a noun with a silent “u.” For the thickness of wire or metal, or the space between train rails, or the size of a shotgun, you can ditch the “u.” Gouge means to scoop, dig, swindle, or extort; or a tool for gouging. 

Grateful has just one “e.” It’s not so great. It has the same root as “gratitude.” 

Guarantee does not end like “warranty” except in a proper name like Morgan Guaranty Trust. 

Harass has just one set of double letters.

Inoculate has no double letters. 

Jibe (NOT Jive) means to agree. Jibe and gibe mean to taunt. Jibe also means to move a sail to change direction. 

Layout is a noun. Lay out is a verb. A designer will lay out a layout. 

Lightning is the spark in the sky, or part of the name of Lightning Source, the printer of this book. Lightening removes weight. 

Maintenance has just one “ain,” unlike “maintain.” 

Maneuver is a French-ish word, that’s easier to spell than the British version: “manoeuvre.” 

Medieval refers to the MIDdle Ages, but is spelled more like “medium.” Some of those wacky Brits use “mediaeval.” (TA note: Brits founded the language they are more likely to be right) 

Memento reminds you of a moment, but the first vowel is an “e” not an “o.” Don’t ask why; just remember it. 

Millennium was spelled wrong millions of times back in 1999 and 2000. It still is. It gets a double “l” and a double “n.” 

Minuscule means mini, but it’s spelled more like “minus” (except when it’s being spelled by people who prefer “miniscule.”) Pick one version, and be consistent. 

Misspell is frequently misspelled. It needs a double “s” but no hyphen. 

Noticeable gets a silent “e” to keep the “c” from being pronounced like a “k.” 

Occasionally has a double set of double consonants.

Occurrence has two traps: the occurrence of double double consonants, and “ence” not “ance” at the end. 

Pharaoh uses the “a” twice. 

Plenitude is right. Plentitude is wrong, but is used a lot. 

Possession possesses two double letters. 

Principal is a school’s boss or the most important element of something. A principle is a rule or an important point. 

Privilege is not edgy. It has no “d.” 

Reevaluate does not have a hyphen. (TA note: my spell checker doesn’t agree. Don’t trust your spell checker!) 

Relevant is not “revelant,” “revelent” or “relevent.” 

Separate has an “a” as the second vowel. 

Sergeant, unlike the affectionate “Sarge,” has no “a” up front, but it does have a silent “a” later on. 

Sleight of hand is a group of techniques magicians use to secretly manipulate objects. It’s not “slight of hand” or “slide of hand, “Sleight” comes from an Old Norse word for clev­erness, cunning, and slyness.

Supersede is not spelled like “succeed” or “precede” and may be the only “sede” word we have. 

Threshold does not have a double “h.” 

Until gets just one “l” even though it’s often a perfect substitute for “till.” Wilson Pickett sang, Wait Till the Midnight Hour or Wait ‘Til the Midnight Hour, depending on who transcribed the lyrics. 

Weird is weird because it breaks the “i before e except after c.” rule. Seize is weird, too.

This, of course, ignores all the fun that can be had with the incorrect way that Americans spell words like neighbour (neighbor), centre (center) and metre (meter – in fairness the Americans do prefer to crash billions of dollars worth of scientific equipment into Mars rather than use the metric system).

Thanks again to Mike at the Book Making blog.

Trying Hard

A lot of people like to talk about talent. Somehow you are either born with talent or you are doomed to only ever write meaningless emails and policy documents in a carpet lined cubicle. The “born with talent” hypothesis does tend to necessitate ignoring all the time and effort spent learning to: read, write, conjugate verbs and using a keyboard to hit your agent with. Clearly anyone born with talent doesn’t need anything other than to crawl out of the womb and sit down in front of a computer. Every great novelist started this way, publishing their first book not long after they learnt to walk.
The rest of us have to try hard, we have to work at writing. There are two types of try hards in writing: the try hard and the trying hard. So are you a try hard or do you try hard?
A TRY HARD
It’s fair to say that their are try hards present in every aspect of life. The attention whore, the rude guy, the politician; all trying hard. These are the people that are going through the motions. They are the continuously frustrating people in front of you in the ATM queue that take forever to withdraw $10. They are the person walking aimlessly in the shopping mall who suddenly stop to stare at their feet. Try hards lack purpose and drive, but most of all they seem to be everywhere sabotaging others efforts with their very presence.
In writing we are starting to see more try hards. The “I can’t afford an editor” and the “they wanted me to make changes, screw them” self published authors are great examples. Stephen Leather made the point that it seems odd that there is more talk of marketing than there is of writing in the self publishing world: the try hards at work once again. Their presence sabotages everyone else, except for those already successful, they exist in an altered plain of reality where beer is always cold and spending hours writing gives you sculpted abs, something every successful author needs.

TRYING HARD
Then there are those who are trying hard to make the most of things. This is what you do in order to achieve things: work. Now you may not have natural talent, ability or wads of cash that you use specifically for lighting cigars, but you are working at it. Hard work and effort directed at your writing craft, study on writing techniques, research on your story, general goofing around on the internet; all aimed at improving your skills. Trying hard isn’t just about the writing though, it is about bringing your voice to an audience. Are you really a writer if no-one has actually read your work? Are you really a writer if you have wads of cash specifically for lighting cigars?
Trying hard is all about putting the effort into the important stuff. Try hards are out to cut corners and impress everyone. The people who are working hard know that there are no short cuts – except that left at Albuquerque. Impressing people comes from a job well done, not by bragging to everyone about it.
Or of course you could just get a room full of typewriters and monkeys.

Hard-copy books need to fight

There is a call to arms for all lovers of books. No longer can we stand by and have e-books take our readers. They may take our ink, they may take our paper, but they may never take our reading material!

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/ct-oped-0804-books-20110804,0,3970003.story

I think they are right. Books have been derailed by technology. So, to combat this, I have recruited a top advertising agency to help out. They will be promoting the smell, feel, taste and texture of real books. The smell of gold leaf that was painstakingly applied by the hands of a skilled monk. The smell of candle wax that was used for light by the monks. The texture of papyrus and hemp paper. The acrid taste in your mouth from inhaling calligraphy inks. The weight of a clay or stone tablet as it crushes your hands.

Gutenburg was wrong when he brought in mass production print. We must fight back and stop these false books from becoming the norm.

Rally behind the stone tablet and the scroll. Say no to the printing press!

Training Masterclass #4

We have come to the last in the Training Masterclass videos. In the previous three Training Masterclass posts (12, 3) I presented my friend Dan and his training videos. I hope that you have all learnt about back training, blasting that chest, and performing a chin-up that will impress friends. The last in this series is arguably the most important: legs.

Call them legs, wheels, pins, gams, or do-hickies, but training the legs is very important. Your legs are your key mobility tool and also the number one device in the fight against obesity. Us desk jockeys spend a lot of time sitting down, a lot of time with the legs doing nothing. It’s definitely time to learn how to bring the sexy in the leg department.

Top 5 Most Over-rated Drinks

Any author needs a drink on hand to help with the hours of writing, research and dicking around. Some great novelists have preferred to have a scotch on hand, others can’t start writing without a pot of coffee. Which brings me to today’s topic: over-rated drinks. For so long there have been a number of beverages that people will wax lyrical about and yet they are really nothing special. Whether it be tradition, reputation or the cool factor, these drinks have earned a coveted place in our society that is not based upon merit, just like Snooki.

1. Coffee
Walk around most cities and you will not be able to travel more than 10 metres without passing a coffee shop. In America this coffee shop will most likely be a Starbucks. The close proximity of these stores is indicative of the unhealthy addiction people have to caffeine. The worst part of it is that you can have a barista spend 5 minutes making you a tall mocha frap with a pump of vanilla and an extra shot of espresso, yet ask them to make you a cup of tea and they hand you a paper cup with some hot water and a tea bag floating in it.

Honestly, why don’t people do cocaine or amphetamines if they need the energy boost?

2. Champagne
Champagne is really just bubbly vinegar. People don’t actually drink the stuff, they spray it all over people they’ve just beaten in a race, or spray it over women who are about to be taken advantage of.

I think the fact that someone invented a glass specifically to make champagne actually palatable says a lot about how bad this drink is.

3. Dry Martini
The Dry Martini is really just paint stripper and methylated spirits served in a fancy glass with an olive in it instead of an old tin with a paint brush sitting in it. Just because James Bond drinks it doesn’t make this a good drink. Remember James Bond was very self destructive and was probably using the Martini to cure his VD.

4. Fruit Juice
There isn’t much to say about a beverage that takes all the goodness of fruit, removes the goodness, keeps the sugar, and adds flavour. There are many popular fruit juices that contain as much as 5% real fruit. There are others that are the equivalent of drinking a can of Coke, except with 2% more fibre. Of course, you could really go out on a limb and eat fruit.

5. Bottled WaterYes, bottled water is over-rated. Especially if the water has added vitamins and nutrients. We get this stuff free from our tap and yet someone managed to bottle it and sell it to us. I bet right now that marketing genius has just closed a sale on a bridge and is heading to the Arctic to sell some Inuits ice.

Scene from Heathers
Officer Milner: [arriving on crime scene] So, what’s the deal?
Officer McCord: Suicide. Double suicide. They shot each other!
Officer Milner: Hey, that’s Kurt Kelly!
Officer McCord: And the line backer, Ram Sweeney.
Officer Milner: My God, suicide. Why?
Officer McCord: [holds up bottle of mineral water found next to one of the bodies] Does *this* answer your question?
Officer Milner: [appalled] Oh man! They were fags?
Officer McCord: [grimly] Listen up: [reading from forged suicide letter]
Officer McCord: “We realized we could never reveal our forbidden love to an uncaring and un-understanding world.”
Officer Milner: [disgusted] Jesus H. Christ!
Officer McCord: The quarterback, buggering the linebacker… [shaking head]
Officer McCord: What a waste!
Officer Milner: Oh, the humanity!

Finding 30 the British Way

Australia has a campaign to get its citizens from becoming Americans, called Find 30. They advocate finding 30 minutes every day to exercise, based on the research that suggests you need 60-90 minutes of moderate activity daily to control weight and health.

The British have taken a slightly different approach to finding 30.

This recreational rioting is fantastic cardio for the British. There is even a bit of resistance training from hurling those rocks at police. It won’t be long and gyms will be offering this group training class. The French might be one of the first to offer this class.

Book Review: Holiday reading

I’m back from my holiday, refreshed, revived and vertical. To kick off my post-holiday blogging I thought I’d review the books that entertained me over the break.

On Writing – Steven King
I finished this book off on a rainy afternoon. I immediately sat down and wrote a lovely little short story that will tie in with my first novel – Overturned Stones. I can’t recommend this memoir highly enough to writers. Although I must warn everyone that you may incur a sore neck from nodding in agreement.

The Emperor’s Tomb – Steve Berry
I bought this book the week it came out in Australia in paperback, only now have I managed to read it. This is another solid thriller from Berry, with Cassiopeia and Cotton trying to stop a power brawl in China. He also touches on the much debunked abiotic oil theory (1, 2).

When the Women Come Out to Dance – Elmore Leonard
This is a collection of Leonard’s short stories; including Fire in the Hole, upon which the TV show Justified is based. There is the characteristic Leonard dialogue and characterisation present in some great little stories. Aside from the last story in the collection, I quite enjoyed this book.

The Dead Man: Blood Mesa – James Reasoner, Lee Goldberg, William Rabkin
In fairness, I actually read this before I went on holiday, but didn’t get around to posting my review. My review: bloody good. Matt and his axe are back and a bunch of archaeologists get the sharp end after the touch of Mr Dark. James has done a great job, as Lee and Will continue to find very talented writers to help with this series.

Implant – Jeffrey Anderson, Michael Wallace
I’ve been plugging away at this book for a while now. I’ve finally given up on it as it hasn’t grabbed me. Nothing wrong with the book – it is well written, the concept is solid, the characters interact well – it just doesn’t appear to be to my taste. I’ll probably come back to this one at a latter date.

A Break From Work

I’m going on holiday for a little while, and as such I am unlikely to post.

What? Don’t you find blogging to friends and comrades fun?

Well of course. But, you see, I have a simple holiday rule that I think makes relaxation better.

Holiday Rule: Only do things that can be done whilst horizontal.

That’s right, unless I can be laying down during the activity then it can be crossed off the to-do list while on holiday. Internet is mostly a sitting activity, thus the likelihood of being able to view the internet, let alone post, will be limited. I’m sure that if I prop my laptop in the right position and find the correct cushion I could use the internet, but it even sounds uncomfortable to me.

Activities that could be done on holiday:
Sleeping – the King of prone activities.
Reading – rather obvious really.
Eating – have to keep the energy levels up.
Drinking – fluids are important for that fuzzy feeling around noon.
Writing – Truman Capote preferred writing whilst prone.
Bench press – not really exercise if you are laying down.
Sex – much easier laying down.
Guitar playing – it’s still practice, even if you fall asleep, as long as you are still holding the guitar.
Playing fetch with the dog – our little bundle of energy wouldn’t let us lay down for long if she doesn’t get to play fetch!

Activities that are definitely ruled out on holiday:
Anything that could be accidentally construed as work – this includes reading non-fiction, sorry.
Running – far too active.
Squatting – loading a barbell with double bodyweight is too much like hard work.
Listening to social commentators – I can’t stand them, they are usually wrong.
Adopting a stance on anything – mainly pun related.

Training Masterclass #3

In the previous two Training Masterclass posts (1, 2) I presented my friend Dan and his training videos. We have seen what it takes to train the chest and perfect the chin-up. This post is about the back.

Now back and bicep training is very important. Us desk jockeys spend a lot of time sitting down, a lot of time with internally rotated shoulders – just think of all the time you spend typing. Training the back properly will aid in keeping you healthy by offsetting your poor work posture. Training the biceps is important because everyone wants a nice set of guns.

Superb!

As a bonus feature I am including the Clean & Jerk. This is probably the single best exercise ever invented, next to the exercise in futility.

I Don’t Care For Cold Chisel

Sometimes I’ll be watching the news or listening to the radio and I will be reminded that I am on the fringe of society. It isn’t just the education, nor the largish brain, nor my desire to have standards, no it is the fact that apparently I’m un-Australian. You see, I don’t like Cold Chisel. To dislike Cold Chisel is un-Australian.

As a result I feel a little like Peter Griffin does about The Godfather.

Australians like to heap superlatives upon Cold Chisel and other “hard rock” bands. They like to hear them on the radio because it reminds them of the time they got drunk in that pub before drinking became illegal. Sorry, not illegal, the driving home afterwards part was what became illegal. Cold Chisel have come out of retirement to tour again, something that made all of the news channels. Why? It is a chance for Aussies to get in touch with their inner bogan.

For non-Aussies, a bogan is what you get when you cross flannelette shirts with mullets and cigarettes. Deep down there is a bogan inside every Australian just trying to get out.

Bogan

My inner bogan allows me to wear tracksuit pants around the house and feel unashamed to listen to AC/DC whilst playing air-guitar. Fortunately my inner bogan stops short of Cold Chisel fandom. That’s right, my inner bogan has class.

We have different terms for bogans all over the world: white trash, redneck, guido, hoser, skid, chav, ned, jejemon, scanger, ah beng, raggare, naco, dres, Paris Hilton; but we recognise the traits. Suffice to say, we all need to keep our inner bogan in check. If we don’t then the terrorists have won.

Training Master-class #2

You only have your health, and possibly access to some poor Indian’s kidneys, so we would all be wise to try and keep fit and healthy. Last time I presented the first in a series of training videos to help us desk jockey’s. This is video two in the training master-class, brought to you by my friend Dan/Rocky.

Mighty Pec Blasting Chest Power!!

See you all under a barbell somewhere soon.

Who will portray Jack Reacher?

That’s right, Jack Reacher will be coming to a cinema near you in the adaptation of Lee Child’s One Shot. The film about the big guy with the strong moral compass and the even stronger right hook is all set, with a director, a start date, a script and of course the star: Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise has agreed to play Reacher in Paramount’s ONE SHOT; filming in Pittsburgh begins on September 27, 2011, which is the same day that Reacher novel #16 THE AFFAIR goes on sale in the US and Canada (Sept 29th is the UK, AU, NZ sale date).

Screenplay is by Christopher McQuarrie (The Usual Suspects, Valkyrie) who will also direct.  The screenplay, from all reports, is truly kick-ass.  The rest of the actors have yet to be cast but we’re hearing rumors that are pretty exciting. Source.

Yes you have read that correctly. Tom Cruise will play Jack Reacher.

Lee is of course in full support of Tom Cruise playing Jack Reacher:

Reacher’s size in the books is a metaphor for an unstoppable force, which Cruise portrays in his own way – Lee Child.

I can’t blame Lee, it isn’t like anyone will complain the movie is better than the book, and he will get paid regardless. Worst case for him is that they make a fantastic movie that generates him millions more fans. So there are three ways this will run: either Tom Cruise will completely own the role and make the fans of the Reacher books forget the 30 centimetre difference in height; or the casting director will cast munchkins in the supporting roles; or the Reacher fans will wish someone else was cast.

Lets go through some of the potential Reachers who have been raised on the interwebz, because despite the decision having already been made there is nothing like documenting the “I told you so” statements for future reference. Of course I’ll delete this post if Cruise pwns all.

Tom Cruise:

Advantages: Box office draw card, his production company bought the film rights, Cruise really needs to look manly in films, has a track history of appearing in good films.
Disadvantages: Short, too pretty, will have to shout at some point in the film regardless of the need to, despite appearing in good films he wasn’t the reason for them being good (Jack Nicolson, A Few Good Men; Dustin Hoffman, Rainman; Cub Gooding Jr, Jerry Maguire; etc).

Tahmoh Penikett:

Advantages: Tall, burly, manly, not too good looking, good looking enough to sell the film, good actor, could actually win a real fight (muay thai fighter), my choice for the role.
Disadvantages: Only had TV roles in shows no-one watched, what the hell do I know about making films.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan:

Advantages: Tallish, manly, chicks love him since he was on Grey’s Anatomy.
Disadvantages: Is he the only manly American actor? Can’t we find someone else?

Ben Affleck:

Advantages: Tall, appeared in other blockbusters.
Disadvantages: Budget blowouts would occur due to acting class costs.

Christian Bale:

Advantages: Not short, has appeared in every other film in the last few years, could actually get aggressive and violent.
Disadvantages: I think it would be good to cast Bale in every film, never a down side to that.

Liam Neeson:

Advantages: The right height, has done action films, can act, has been in a Dirty Harry film.
Disadvantages: He appeared in Star Wars The Phantom Menace, appeared in the worst Star Wars film, co-starred with the worst character ever portrayed on film, didn’t shoot his agent for letting him be involved in The Phantom Menace.

I guess we can only dream. Either way, I’ll be seeing One Shot on the opening weekend.

Training Master-class #1

There is nothing in this life more important than your health. As the adage goes; you only have your health. Yet, in this day and age (what a redundant statement), more of our populous live sedentary lives than ever. So many of us are desk jockeys and the aspiring writer in me is seeking to spend more of my day sitting down.

Fortunately I’ve been a weightlifter since my teens. I love lifting heavy stuff and keeping fit. It also allows me my other passions; involving sitting, lying down, and eating chocolate. It took me years to become good at lifting, even more years to become really good at eating chocolate on a couch.

It is important to learn lifting form to get the most out of training. So I wish to present here my friend Dan’s – also known as Rocky – Training Master-class so that all of us desk jockeys don’t become desk leviathans. This first video is illustrating the chin-up.

Australian Bookstore Memorabilia Auction

Borders Book Mark for Sale

I am selling my limited edition Borders bookmark for charity. Any and all offers between $40 million and $50 million will be accepted.

As many book fans will have noticed, there are a number of book retailers circling the drain of bankruptcy. Borders in the USA may have found a last minute lifeline, but here in Australia the Redgroup stores (Borders and Angus & Robertson) have gone the way of the honest politician. The superbly managed Redgroup managed to amass $170 million in debts, $44 million of that being owed to publishers (and consequently authors).

The reason for me auctioning off my bookmark is that I hope to be able to not only share a piece of publishing industry history, but to also recoup the money that Redgroup stole from publishers and authors. Redgroup felt that selling millions of dollars worth of books that they didn’t own was really just a creative book-keeping issue. Nobody else did and now all we have to remember them by is this bookmark.

Bid Now!

The bookmark is not laminated, but I can have it laminated. I can also list the board of directors of Redgroup on the back if desired. Please, no time-wasters, this is an auction to save starving authors everywhere.