Category: Humor

Fun Articles, Humor, Pics

I may be spending too much time in front of my computer

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It seems that my work, my hobbies, my break time and even my writing all bear an uncanny resemblance.

I listen to music, usually from iTunes.

I watch TV shows, usually streaming.

I catch up on the news, usually via live streaming.

I read up on the latest science, usually on science blogs.

I play guitar, with the computer backing track and music on the screen.

I catch up with friends, on Facebook, Twitter and Google+.

I phone family and friends, using Skype.

I work on my latest work in progress; think it is time I started using a typewriter.

Fun Articles, Humor

Movies that needed claws

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Hugh Jackman is a genuine movie star and his recent Oscar nomination for his role in Les Miserable is well deserved.

But, and there always is a but, Hugh has appeared in some films that could have been greatly improved with one simple addition. I give to you the list of movies that would have been improved if Hugh had popped the adamantium claws and gone berserker.

Van Helsing
Let’s face it, anything would have improved this schlocky mess of a movie. Instead of Hugh turning into a werewolf toward the end, if he had turned into Wolverine and shniketied some vampires, this would have been watchable.

Australia
Wouldn’t it have made more sense to have Wolverine living in outback Australia? Then he could have taken on the invading army during the WW2 scene.

Scoop
Imagine a Woody Allen film with Wolverine in it! Imagine the boat scene with Hugh going Wolverine on Scarlet Johansen’s character, and Scarlet going Mystique on him!

Deception
Imagine if this film didn’t suck. I think adding Wolverine to the mix would have done wonders for this lame movie.

Real Steel
Wolverine versus Robots. I rest my case.

Swordfish
Who else wanted to see Hugh decapitate John Travolta in this film?

X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Wouldn’t it have been great if Hugh was playing Wolverine…… Wait a minute. This movie sucked even with Wolverine in it.

Humor, Pics, Reading

Friday Funny

Well, reading nerd funny at least.

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Fun Articles, Humor

Things you can’t do with an accordion

White, Nerdy and Awesome.
White, Nerdy and Awesome.

Look cool

Pick up chicks

Conduct physics experiments

Teach a dog to fetch

Play Highway to Hell by AC/DC without sounding like you hate AC/DC

Play music

Humor, Pics

Dog horror movies

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Fun Articles, Humor

Things you can only do whilst drunk

We’ve just come out of the drinking season and it is time to reminisce about what a great time we had and how we wish we weren’t back at work. It has always amazed me that there are certain things we only do when we are drunk. Obviously a little social lubricant and we suddenly feel we can do things we wouldn’t normally even contemplate. But what about those activities that only seem to be possible when drunk? This isn’t just about suddenly having courage or a lack of appreciation for the consequences, the following list are special talents that are revealed only with copious amounts of alcohol.

Play pool, snooker or billiards.

Eat a kebab.

Find a kebab store.

Listen to the greatest hits of the 80s.

Go to a nightclub.

Queue for a nightclub.

Dance.

Yes, that is Han Solo drunk dancing.

Sing Karaoke.

Not drop dead instantly from embarrassment from being at a Nickleback concert.

Fun Articles, Humor

Five great ways to ruin an evening out

Start a conversation with a 9/11 conspiracy nut.
Doesn’t matter what conversation you start with them, they will eventually raise the topic in order to spew their wacky world view at you. Try not to raise actual science or evidence with them, as they believe rust is thermite residue, and that thermite could have cut steel girders.

Discuss your children’s health and getting them vaccinated.
Without fail, someone will be an anti-medicine kook who will then call you a child abuser for vaccinating. Don’t worry, they’ll get polio and whooping cough, the universe likes irony.

Take your teething baby with you.
Especially to a cinema or restaurant.

Invite work colleagues for drinks, people whom you can’t stand to be around, and then get drunk.
Fun times will ensue as you tell your colleagues exactly what you think of them. It will be even better on the following Monday when you see them again.

Take a date to see a Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler movie.
Any chance you had of having another date with this person just evaporated as they realise that you have dragged them to see another in the long line of abysmal films starring Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler (except Dodgeball, which was hilarious).

Humor, Pics

My thanks to The Doctor!

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Fun Articles, Humor, Writing

Ten Indisputable Signs That You’re a Writer

Think you might be a writer but aren’t 150% sure? Here are ten signs that you may very well have a budding writer inside you.

  1. You constantly edit. Whether it’s while you’re driving down the street and pass a misspelled sign, or grammatical errors in Facebook posts, you fix errors constantly in your mind—and sometimes not so silently.
  2. You’re highly observant. And not only do you notice things all the time, but you file them away in your I could write about this later folder.
  3. You often ask, “How could I describe this?” You don’t ignore your life experiences—everything from walking outside during a torrential downpour, to burning yourself while cooking, to taking the first bite of a piping-hot homemade chocolate chip cookie can be used in your writing, and you often pause to think about how you would describe it in words.
  4. You have a hyperactive imagination. There’s never a dull moment in that head of yours—your imagination is always working on overtime to keep you entertained and give you fresh ideas.
  5. You feel inspired to write after reading a good book. Enough said.
  6. You often daydream about your Work In Progress. Your characters never completely leave you— they walk alongside you throughout the day and give you new ideas when you least expect it.
  7. You feel guilty if you haven’t written anything in a while. What a “while” is depends, but after a writing hiatus, a part of you begins to demand that you get back to the keyboard and reprimands you if you don’t.
  8. Grammar jokes are funny. Well, they are. 
  9. You can’t get enough books. After all, every new book is a couple of hours worth of inspiration.
  10. You keep doing this writing thing. It doesn’t matter if you’re not published, if no one else cares if you continue to write, if you don’t make a penny off of the words that you put on the page—none of that matters, because you’ll continue to write anyway.

Reblogged from: Ten Indisputable Signs That You’re a Writer.

Humor, Reading

What is a bookworm?

I’ve never really thought of myself as a bookworm, given the lack of exoskeleton, and my functioning vertebrae and CNS. There is no doubting that my wife and I are readers though, since we average at least a book a week, usually closer to two a week. We’re hoping our son will become a reader as well, but at the moment he is more entertained with pooping his diaper.

Anyway, in my internet trolling this week, I came across this infographic from a survey of a graphic design class. We all know that infographics must be accurate and representative, so let’s see what a Bookworm’s characteristics are.

windsore_infographic

Humor

Decisions for holiday happiness

This lovely infographic will help with this season’s festivities. Ideally you will work through the varying styles of beer to find the right beverage for every meal and occasion. Because if there is one thing about the holiday season that is true everywhere, it is that you don’t want to be sober.
The World of Beer

Learn about infographic design.
Fun Articles, Humor

Babies have it better than adults

Things babies can do that adults can’t:

Poop in their pants.
It could be argued that adults are not obliged to deny their desire to poop their pants, but generally that person will be shunned rather than have gooey faces made at them.

Cry to get attention.
Look at how lame we think Glen Beck is for doing this.

Only do the basics of life: eat, shit, sleep.
Hard to sleep when you are hungry. Hard to shit when you haven’t eaten. Hard to eat without earning money. Hard to earn money if all you do is lie around doing the basics of life.

Urinate on someone and laugh.
Well, I suppose we could do that, but I’m pretty sure that a fight would arise.

Suck on boobies in public.
It really would make for a better society if we could.

Be noisy and disruptive during movies, plane flights, in grocery stores and have people blame your parents.
Why am I the jerk for taking a call during the new James Bond film?

Be showered with gifts for just showing up.
Baby gifts are like the participation award at school, except with cooler prizes.

Humor, Pics, Reading

Thought for the day

Fun Articles, Humor

Reasons why writing is better than a real job

At the end of a day of writing you don’t feel like stabbing yourself in the eye with a pencil.

Writing can be done at any time, rather than nine till five, which is much better suited to sleeping.

Dressing for work is optional. And I mean optional.

Work shoes don’t have to have a safety rating or glossy shine, they only have to be wool lined and comfy.

If you spend all of the money your boss gives you and fail to complete your job on time, nobody is really that surprised.

All of that wasted time on the internet is “research”.

Drinking on the job is mandatory rather than discouraged.

Emailing, Facebooking, tweeting and blogging are important networking, not procrastination.

Shaving is no longer a daily chore, it is a sign you are going out in public for a change.

Work colleagues are people you only see at festivals, or chat to on Facebook when you can’t be bothered working.

Paperwork? What paperwork?

The arrival of the mail is a daily highlight, rather than something you check for as you arrive home.

Humor, Pics

More grammar essentials

Humor, Science, Writing

Skill vs. Fame

You can always trust a guy in a lab coat, they know stuff. This relationship of skill required versus fame really does show that I have really decided to limit my levels of fame. Scientists aren’t really cool enough to be famous, authors are similarly nerdy, just better with words. Maybe it is time for scientists and authors to start making sex tapes.

Humor, Writing

John Cleese on Creativity

Like everyone else with a pulse, I’m a Monty Python fan. Whether it be a killer white rabbit or a very naughty boy, there is nothing quite like the laughs that a Python sketch can illicit. I recently found this lecture that John Cleese gave on creativity. It is quite interesting the ground he covers and the conditions that are needed to be cultivated in order to be creative. Hope everyone gets as much out of this as I did.

Humor, Reading, Science

Learning genetics

I’ve spent years learning to be a scientist. During that time I picked up a bit of genetics. But still:

Fun Articles, Humor

Parenting test: 14 steps to follow before you have children

Being a new dad is great, but you really do have to be prepared for the life changing nature of parenting. Take the test to see if you are ready.

Test 1: Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After nine months, remove 5 per cent of the beans.
Men: To prepare for children
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2: Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it; this will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3: Nights

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
*Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4: Dressing small children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hangout.
*Time Allowed: 5 minutes

Test 5: Cars

1. Forget the BMW; buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6: Going for a walk

1. Wait.
2. Go out the front door.
3. Come back in again.
4. Go out.
5. Come back in again.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least six questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
*You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7: Conversations with children

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8: Grocery shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschool child – a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
*Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9: Feeding a 1-year-old

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10: Entertainment

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11: Mess

Can you stand the mess children make?
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5.
5. Drag random items from one room to another room and leave them there.

Test 12: Long trips with toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting ‘Mummy’ repeatedly. Important notes: no more than a 4-second delay between each ‘Mummy’. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
*You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13: Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the ‘Mummy tape’ listed above.
*You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14: Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put one cup of lemon juice in it.
4. Stir.
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt.
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel.
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work.

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!

Original article published at Essential Baby, October 18, 2012.

Humor, Reading, Writing

Correct word usage