Usually the news does little to inform us, but sometimes it can bring us laughs.
Category: Humor
Edited by Dr Sonja Boehmer-Christiansen
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
There are a lot of publications out there that specialize in short fiction. One that has stood tall amongst the Science Fiction community is the publication Energy & Environment. Published 8 times per year, this periodical prides itself on its consistent quality of short stories. It has become a renowned publication in the sci-fi community, with contributing authors often writing about an alternate reality universe, where the rules of physics do not apply.
Luminaries of the Science Fiction community have been known to publish stories in E&E, notable examples include: Dr Willie Soon, Prof Bob Carter, Prof Ian Plimer, Dr Tim Curtin, Prof Richard Lindzen, Dr Roger Pielke Sr; a veritable who’s who of the Science Fiction world. Energy & Environment attract such great writers because of the favourable editorial standards, allowing startling new sub-genres of Science Fiction to emerge. Some of the most revered works of Science Fiction have been published in Energy and Environment in the last decade as a result of the publication’s regard in the sci-fi community.
Energy & Environment is often regarded as hard sci-fi, due to its heavy use of figures and tables within the stories. These illustrations help to conjure up a vivid impression of the wonderfully weird worlds the stories are based in. Having a science background, these elements of hard sci-fi were an entertaining aside, but most sci-fi fans would be able to enjoy the fictional universes without having to take them in.
Contributors are also known to win the prestigious Heartland Institute award. This is a notable Science Fiction award given by the Heartland Institute to encourage sci-fi writers to continue their work. The award comes with a cash stipend, generously given by Heartland funders such as Exxon. A notable Australian sci-fi author, Bob Carter, is a current recipient of the award, the $1600 a month stipend helping him write sci-fi stories full-time.
If you are looking for funny, entertaining and challenging Science Fiction, then Energy & Environment has a story for you.
From comedian John Branyan (@jbranyancomedy).
There is no worse disease for a writer than writer’s block. I’d also say that writer’s block is terrible for readers too, uninspired prose is what we expect from policy and political people, not our entertainment. I’m a fan of Stephen King’s writing advice: set a daily word goal and stay at it until you reach the goal. There is something about daily writing and forcing yourself to write that seems to make things flow.
But Tyson, I hear you say, I’m stuck with no ideas for what to write next. Luckily I was procrastinating whilst writing the other day and came up with a definitive fail safe for each major genre. Any additions are welcome in the comments.
Thriller Writers
When writer’s block strikes kill someone or blow something up.
Crime Writers
When writer’s block strikes describe the main character getting drunk and wallowing in self pity.
Mystery Writers
When writer’s block strikes introduce a red herring.
Romance Writers
When writer’s block strikes introduce new character with rock hard abs.
Literature Writers
When writer’s block strikes describe a tree in intimate detail.
Fantasy Writers
When writer’s block strikes have a talking dragon appear, or have the characters go on a long walk somewhere.
Sci-fi Writers
When writer’s block strikes cut and paste physics article from Wikipedia into your novel.
Horror Writers
When writer’s block strikes cut and paste autopsy reports into your novel.
Paranormal Writers
If you already have vampires, ghosts and werewolves in your novel, introduce ninjas and pirates as characters.
If you are really stuck after all of these ideas, then there is no novel in existence that can’t/couldn’t be improved by the addition of pirates and/or ninjas.
I thought I would post a little list that gave me a giggle. I’ve only added one to the list, see if you can spot it and my sense of humour.
–Sent by Leon Ogroske, WRITERS’ Journal, www.writersjournal.com
Q: How many copy editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I can’t tell whether you mean ‘change a light bulb’ or ‘have sex in a light bulb.’ Can we reword it to remove the ambiguity?
Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. But first they have to rewire the entire building.
Q: How many managing editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!
Q: How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Does it HAVE to be a light bulb?
Q: How many copy editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.
Q: How many marketing directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It isn’t too late to make this neon instead, is it?
Q: How many proofreaders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Proofreaders aren’t supposed to change light bulbs. They should just query them.
Q: How many writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: But why do we have to CHANGE it?
Q: How many publishers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, and two to hold down the author.
Q: How many booksellers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, and they’ll be glad to do it too, except no one shipped them any.
Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: You’ve already screwed in too many light bulbs. Repetition!
Q: How many writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, and they like to give it a good twist at the end.
Q: How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but the light bulb has to endure a series of conflicts and challenges before it finally changes.
Q: How many reviewers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They just stand back and critique while you do it.
Q: How many netgilantes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Did he use an English word? Must be a writer! Let’s lynch him!!!!
Q: How many reviewers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but first they have to tell you why they didn’t like how you did it.
Q: How many Kindleboards authors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, followed by a 12-page, passionately-argued thread about how much the light bulb should cost.
Q: How many forum users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but in the following ten-page discussion, someone will invoke a comparison to Nazis.
Q: How many authors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one but you also need an editor, proof reader, cover artist, and an agent to be there at the same time.
An article in The Guardian on Sunday suggested that garbage, which they defined as genre fiction, was the big seller on Kindles and e-readers. See article here.
Prepare for the irony.
Okay, irony aside, The Guardian has published a number of articles extolling the inferiority of e-readers and e-books. For example, they deride romance and erotica as genres, yet they have always sold well. They deride horror, yet Steven King has been a bestselling author for 40 years. Excuse my cherry picking, but I can’t be bothered digging out my stats sheets to bury this argument further.
For years the literary fiction and biography markets have been kept afloat by the gift and commuter sales. Commuters can’t be seen to be reading anything other than high art or an intriguing insight into some mundane public figure, whose only claim to fame was being able to stand in front of a camera at the right moments. Similarly the books people received as gifts were always some intellectual boorish bunk posing as entertainment.
Now commuters don’t have to have the cover of their book on display and are free to read what they actually enjoy reading. Gift givers are wising up and going to wishlists and giving download vouchers. This isn’t just the end of snobbery, it is the start of truly great works of fiction.
Whenever I’m on a plane it is about the only time I’m sorry that I live remotely to the most isolated capital city in the world. People complain about the long haul flights to various destinations, well I had to catch a long haul just to get to the long haul connection. It gives you a lot of time to think about the realities of air travel.
1) If things get really bad, the pilots have ejector seats.
They may be called ‘captains’, but they have no intention of going down with the ship.
2) Unless you are Ralph Fiennes or Tiger Woods you aren’t nailing a flight attendant.
Lets face it, flight attendants have standards.
3) First class is a myth. They wouldn’t be seen on the same plane as ordinary people.
Rich people are afraid they might catch poor.
4) If you see gremlins on the wing, you have been lucky and received the non-watered down alcohol.
Keep drinking, you might see Elvis and Hendrix.
5) Yes, the seats are deliberately designed for people smaller than you.
Airplane designers were assured that no-one over 180cm and 70 kilos would ever go anywhere.
6) The bookings system takes into account claustrophobia in the seating assignments.
They immediately assign the claustrophobics to seats between the largest people on the flight.
7) People with a fear of flying are catered for.
Their in flight movies are ‘Airplane’ and ‘Alive’, plus they are spared from all the turbulence warnings. Comes as a real surprise.
1) Kyle Sandilands.
There is a small caveat in Australian law that allows for “the permanent removal of fuckwits from the Australian population, through any means deemed necessary, to enable the genepool of our island nation to not be tainted for future generations.”
For my non-Aussie friends, Kyle Sandilands is like Rush Linbugh or Glenn Beck, except without the political bent.
2) Politicians.
Okay, don’t get too excited here. There are certain times, places and manners in which it is perfectly legal to kill politicians. The first point is that they have to be shot. The second point is that it has to be done in broad daylight, between the hours of 10am and 3pm. My American friends will know where politicians are allowed to be shot, having experienced it themselves – whilst riding in, or alighting from, a car, or attending the theater.
It is not just a coincidence that the president of the United States rides in a heavily armoured vehicle everywhere. It is also well known that politicians have their own staff car provided for them. They know the rules and are trying to make sure they are protected in that car. The third, and final, point is that you have to be shot too.
Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
3) Stupid people.
This one is a bit tenuous. It isn’t completely legal to kill stupid people, but it is generally deemed not your fault if a stupid person dies as a result of your actions. Stupid people are regarded as being ‘temporary people’ and are a self correcting societal entity. Thus it is only a matter of time before they die and it wasn’t really your fault if they did.
4) Religious people.
This group are not like any of the others on the list. Religious people want to be killed so that they can get to heaven faster. The most devout – TV evangelists, people who solicit money for their faith, door knockers – are deliberately trying to annoy the rest of us into killing them. This serves a two-fold purpose in their minds eye. First it sends them to their heaven early, secondly it sends us to hell; keeping ‘the unworthy’ away from them for eternity.
5) Anyone wearing a backwards hat or pants that expose their underwear.
Self explanatory really. These people are just moving, 3D, shooting targets. Remember, you lose points if you miss the target or hit anything other than these targets.
Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk:
Cinnamon
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you’re drunk:
British Constitution
Loquacious Transubstantiate
Passive-aggressive Disorder
Specificity
Things that are downright IMPOSSIBLE to say when you’re drunk:
Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
Nope, no more alcohol for me.
Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.
You’re right, I can’t jump over that table.
It is the season to be jolly, apparently. The jolliest people are, of course, retailers, who are doing their impersonations of Scrooge McDuck swimming. The rest of us are just happy to have some time off work and an excuse to eat until our arteries congeal and drink until the tile floor looks comfy.
Don’t get me wrong, Xmas is a lovely time of year, but I have some issues with it.
1) It’s Xmas not Christmas.
This celebration stopped being about Christ’s birthday when shops started advertising how many shopping days there were left before Xmas. I’m glad we have the holiday but lets stop pretending it is a religious holiday. To the 16% of Australian’s (check your country stats here) who actually attend church, feel free to ignore this point. And yes I’m aware of the irony here.
2) Xmas cards.
I understand the idea of sending correspondence to family and friends and given the “holiday season” it only seems logical to catch up with people. But I’m under 40, so I have Facebook, Twitter, Email, Linkedin, mobile phones, and know how to use them. Sending cards feels like people the world over are taking a vow of technophobia in order to contract hand cramps and level a rain forest.
3) Xmas lights.
I think the goal of Xmas lights, if I am understanding them correctly, is blind people in the space station orbiting Earth. In the day and age of climate change, when we really should be cutting down on energy usage, we decide to set up a whole lot of lights to blind people. It has become a competition between neighbours and streets to see who can have the most gaudy display of flashing eyesores. The winner is usually the person or street who wake up to the electricity bill in January realising they need a second job and to sell a kidney.
4) Caroling.
Why is it that people only remember for the other eleven months of the year that they can’t sing?
Which also brings me to:
5) Xmas songs.
I’m not talking about the traditional carols here, I’m talking about the saccharine odes to love and presents that bombard the airwaves from every pop singer/group the world has to offer. These “artists” were barely tolerable in small doses as it was, but the competition to have the highest selling drink coaster means you can’t even go near a TV or radio for fear of diabetes and the desire to hug a puppy.
6) The celebrity biography.
Speaking of stocking stuffers, every Xmas there must be more celebrity biographies bought for Dads the world over than any other time of year. In fact, it is safe to say that the book reading statistics are built on this Xmas tradition of buying a book no-one wants to read for people who don’t read in the first place. Is it really a surprise that so few people read when the only book they start each year is about the mundane life of somebody with decent hand-eye coordination or a backstabbing politician proposing to tell all, but really just relating the party political line of events. I’d prefer the socks.
With that said, Merry Xmas everyone!
Dear Buddha, please bring me a pony and a plastic rocket.
The report of my death was an exaggeration – Mark Twain
http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2011/aug/30/death-books-exaggerated
http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2011/aug/22/are-books-dead-ewan-morrison
You know, there is nothing better than media speculators. Any possible change in an industry, government, or price of coffee and they suddenly start predicting the end of the world. Some changes, like any Apple product, are welcomed with open advertising arms, other changes, like e-books, are threatening jobs.
So how did the publishers fare this year? They lost major stores (Borders, REDGroup), had a decrease in stocking at big box stores, and had the market flooded with a slush pile. Turns out they did pretty well.
That’s right, e-books are more profitable and have generally replaced the paperback sales decline. Who’d have thought that people who enjoy reading wouldn’t suddenly stop reading? Did not see that one coming.
This blog has been running since the middle of February this year. One hundred odd posts later, and a few thousand views, I’d like to share some information with all of my friends here.
10) Despite my lack of a second language – unless you count being able to do a passable Scottish accent and order a newspaper and a sandwich in French – a fifth of my friends here are not native English speakers.
9) This blog has not been assessed by the FDA.
8) Only 17% of my friends here are Aussies. The rest of you are all honorary Aussies at heart!
7) This blog is 99% fat free.
6) 77% of you really have to question why you are using Windows OS. All the cool people are using Mac (10%), Linux (4%), iPhone (3%) and iPad (1%).
5) This blog is currently being tested as a cure for cancer. I’m hoping to make Chuck Norris cry from laughing so hard.
4) This blog’s level of awesome – measured in nanofonzies – has been increasing over time. Your little bit of cool helps us all, thankyou!
3) This blog post is mostly a procrastination effort when I should be knocking out the last 15,000 words for NaNoWriMo.
2) The opinions and reviews expressed in this blog have not been paid for, no bribes have been received, nor does this blog receive any sponsorship. Please email me to rectify this situation.
1) Being a friend of my blog and I entitles you to one free business class flight to Perth, Australia*.
* Tyson Adams is unlikely to actually pay for your flight to Perth, let alone business class, so it would be a miracle if being a friend of his and this blog would ever eventuate in you receiving that free flight.
I had to share this list with everyone, mainly because it says a lot about quality being arbitrary.
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1. Creed has sold more records in the US than Jimi Hendrix
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2. Led Zeppelin, REM, and Depeche Mode have never had a number one single, Rihanna has 10
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3. Ke$ha’s “Tik-Tok” sold more copies than ANY Beatles single
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4. Flo Rida’s “Low” has sold 8 million copies – the same as The Beatles’ “Hey Jude”
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5. The Black Eyed Peas’ “I Gotta Feeling” is more popular than any Elvis or Simon & Garfunkel song
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6. Celine Dion’s “Falling Into You” sold more copies than any Queen, Nirvana, or Bruce Springsteen record
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7. Same with Shania Twain’s “Come On Over”
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8. Katy Perry holds the same record as Michael Jackson for most number one singles from an album
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9. Barbra Streisand has sold more records (140 million) than Pearl Jam, Johnny Cash, and Tom Petty combined
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10. People actually bought Billy Ray Cyrus’ album “Some Gave All…” 20 million people. More than any Bob Marley album
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11. The cast of “Glee” has had more songs chart than the Beatles
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12. This guy exists.
That is all.
We had a knock on the door this morning. A lady was inquiring if we “followed the bible”. My immediate reaction was to say something like, “Inanimate objects don’t really take me places these days.” Of course I was very polite and told her that my dog was hungry. She persisted with, “Do you follow God?” to whit I retorted, “Which one?”
I should point out at this juncture that I’m not against religion or religious people. Religion has done some good things and it has done some bad things. If we were to express their good versus bad as a baseball batting average, then I’d have to learn something about baseball.
Anyway, this got me thinking, which has been known to happen occasionally. Religious people are often very keen to sell their religion door-to-door. They often have pamphlets, invites to their church (or whatever), or even their indoctrination material for sale. I am yet to have a scientist knock on my door of a Sunday morning, “Have you heard the word of Newton?” At least with scientists door knocking they could fix the zero-point anomaly in our laundry; it’s starting to cause a gravity sink.
See, this would be brilliant marketing for any author. Imagine an entire squad of people devoted to spreading the word about your book/s. Unpaid labourers whose goal it was to sell your writing to everyone. Of course this wouldn’t be easy to arrange. I’m not sure I can afford the price of souls these days – what with the economy and all – so getting boots on the ground might either take a lot of enigmatic persuasion or be the realm of wealthy authors.
There are plenty of examples of this happening. If you do a little digging you can find how L Ron Hubbard got his book Battlefield Earth on the bestseller lists. Every Scientologist was sent out to buy a copy, which they then sent back to the “church” (I use that term loosely) and the books were sent to the stores again to be resold. Brilliant!
Obviously not every author can create their own religion to sell books, but maybe there is something to be made use of here. Maybe your local Jehovah’s Witness may need some extra redemption and would like to sell your book door-to-door if you promise to not set the bear traps on the doorstep. Think about it!
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| I knew the NSW Police were corrupt, but they also seem proud of it. |
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| The standard of Australian schooling is fantastic. |
If you don’t have an editor you are likely to end up being made fun of on the internet!
I previously posted about some of the actors who were most likely to ruin a perfectly good book adaptation. The movie of a book is always going to be hard. You take an intricate plot, interesting characters, and throw them out to make room for 90 minutes of mindless violence and teen appeal: not an easy task. So, as to not be labelled a sexist by men pointing out that there are heaps of untalented female actors, I’m presenting the follow-up list of actresses whom you don’t want in a book adaptation.
Former models, singers or “celebrities”
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| Was she even a singer? |
Yes this is a generic category rather than a specific actress, but we see it all of the time. Is it too much to ask for there to be more to an actress than looking good? Remember that this is a red-blooded male asking this question, if I’m complaining about these clothes horses in films it must be bad. Even worse is the Elvis road that singers want to take. To quote Eddie Murphy “Elvis was so good they put him in movies. Mother@#$%er couldn’t act.” Unfortunately the modern day singers aren’t Elvis and their acting is worse.
Jessica Alba
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| All acting sins forgiven! |
There is a common marital clause, the freebie. Basically if you ever happen to be in the position to have sex with someone completely unobtainable, then it is okay. For me it is Jessica Alba, for my wife it is Ryan Reynolds. No offense to this hottie, but she has been acting since she was a child and yet she still manages to only bring her hottness to the screen.
Katie Holmes-Cruise-Xenu
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| Pre-midget. |
I don’t know what’s worse, her acting or her choice in husbands.
Lindsay Lohan
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| Underwear not included. |
Lindsay almost fits under the category of “celebrities” rather than actresses. I am struggling to name a film she has been in, let alone one that she acted in. On the plus side I’m struggling to name a film she has been in.
Jennifer Aniston
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| Hairstyle, no acting included. |
Has she done anything other than Friends that was decent? Yes she was in the movie gem Office Space, but you could have replaced her with just about any other actress, she did so little with the role.
Katherine Heigl
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| At least she isn’t Helen Hunt. |
There are two things you can count on with a Katherine Heigl romantic comedy: it won’t be funny and no one will have seen it. Heigl has the honor of staring in a $2 million film that only grossed $20 bucks, one of the biggest flops in film history.
Heather Graham
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| Her talents are showing. |
Who needs talent when you’ve got big boobs and you’re willing to show them? Graham has made a career out displaying her, um, talents on screen. Wide eyed and bland, watching Graham on screen is like watching adorable paint dry.
Jennifer Love Hewitt
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| She sees dead people. |
According to a study of ratings at Rotten Tomatoes, Jennifer is the worst actress of all time. Now this seems a bit hard to swallow given her successful TV career, but you can’t argue with science, even when arbitrarily applied with no proper standardisation of data. Also, at least Bill Murray apologised for making Garfield and has made some good films to make up for his appalling mistake.
Megan Fox
| She’ll have diva with that. |
Washed up at 24 is not exactly something you expect in Hollywood, well, not in the movies that include clothes at least. But when all you have going for you is your looks and you manage to annoy everyone you have worked with and then badmouth everyone, your career tends to be over.
Kristen Stewart
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| The one on the right. |
A proud graduate of the Steven Segal School of Acting. She has one facial expression for every occasion. I know she was hired to be boring and insipid in Twilight, but that doesn’t mean you get to play Joan Jett that way too.
Save the books, stop watching terrible TV!
1) Crime writers.
Think of a gruesome way to die, a crime writer has not only thought about it, they have researched it, meticulously planned it, and could get away with it.
2) Thriller writers.
Think of a gruesome way to die, a thriller writer came up with it first and probably wants to try it out.
3) Big guys with nothing to lose.
They are big guys with nothing to lose, do the math.
4) A woman scorned.
Just ask any divorced man. Just ask John Wayne Bobbit.
5) Waiters.
Especially if you order the creme of chicken soup.
6) Police.
They were sick of your shit before you started mouthing off.
7) People with large collections of knives and/or guns.
Do you really want to take your chances?
Werbiage
Werbiage is a portmanteau of Word, Garbage and Verbiage.
Thus the meaning of werbiage is that a statement or document (etc) has an overabundance of meaningless words that are either rubbish or useless.
I made this word up today during a meeting with managers and is from the Middle French verbi (to gabble) and the Middle English garbelage (discarding butchered bowels).
Tyson Adams 